Saturday, August 10, 2013

Rating Roman Emperors Part 4 - Numbers 61 to 84

The final run of Roman Emperors - Western ones anyway...

Vetrano to Romulus Augustus

61) Vetranio - The One Who Was Allowed to Retire

A random Emperor, raised to the purple by Constantina, Constantius II's sister. He was allowed to stay in the job for a bit but was then allowed to abdicate and live a peaceful life, which I think is just plain darn cute.

Ability ** Legend ***

62) Julian II – The Last Non-Christian One. 

Immortalised by Gore Vidal’s best selling novel, Julian sticks out as an anomaly – an intellectual who just wanted to read, but was forced to serve the empire, trained himself into being a good military leader, almost caused a civil war, became emperor, then went really silly with a pointless invasion of Persia. If he’d stuck around for 20 years or so, who knows? Christianity was too widespread to be wiped out but maybe it could have been turned back. A fascinating character, a deserved recipient of much attention. 

Ability *** Legend ****

63) Jovian – The One Who Gave Away a Chunk to the Sassanids. 

Having to taken over in the wake of Julian’s death, Jovian was in a tough spot and signed a humiliating treating with the Sassanids. He died shortly afterwards, apparently not by assassination. 

Ability ** Legend **.

64) Valentinian I – The One Who Died of Anger. 

The last really successful Western Emperor. Owed his climb to fame to being in the right place at the right time and not really awesome (he almost lost Britain, would send other generals to fight on his behalf), but he did have a great death, dying of apoplexy after being insulted by some Germans. 

Ability *** Legend ***1/2

65) Valens – The One Who Lost to the Goths. 

Only got the gig because of his relationship to Valentinian, didn’t do a great job but did okay for a couple of years. However made a massive mistake trying to tackle the Goths alone leading to the disaster at Adrianople. 

Ability **1/2 Legend ***

66) Gratian – The One Who Wanted to be an Archer. 

Valentinian’s son, promoted to rule too young and without enough experience, did okay for a bit but was eventually killed by his own troops, in part because he liked hanging out with his archer bodyguards too much. 

Ability ** Legend **

67) Valentinian II – The Teen Suicide One. 

I feel for this guy – a prisoner most of his life, he was victim to manipulative generals, his mother, politicians, other emperors and that poisonous religious fanatic, Ambrose of Milan. Eventually gave up and killed himself. (There are rumours he was assassinated but I feel suicide is most likey.) Crying out to be better known.

Ability * Legend ****

68) Theodosius I – the Last One to Control it all – and who officially turned Rome Christian. 

An able general (not as legendary as his dad, who won back Britain) he had ability and did okay under tough circumstances: the peace treaty with the Goths destablised the Empire. But his idiot children and religious persecution of non-Christians count against him as does him being pussy whipped by the Bishop of Milan. A decent enough Emperor but came along at a time when they needed a superman. 

Ability *** Legend ***1/2

69) Arcadius – The Pussywhipped One

Idiot son of Theodosius put in charge of the Eastern Empire but actually allowed himself to pushed around by his wife and others.

Ability ** Legend **
70) Honorius – The Impotent One. 

Theodosius’s youngest useless child. Rued for an amazingly long time for such an incompetent. 

Ability * Legend ****

71) Theodosius II – The One Who Died Falling off a Horse

Lousy Emperor of the East who gave away heaps of land and money to barbarians and introduced anti-pagan laws (Hypatia was killed during his time). Gets points for interesting death and made a good contrast with Marcian.

Ability *1/2 Legend ***

72) Constantinus III  - The One Who was Honrious' Brother in Law

A power behind the throne and decent general, he married his way into the purple but didn't last long. Probably would have been an okay Emperor, better than Honorious.

Ability ** Legend **

74) Valentinian III – The One Who Assassinated Aetius

 Child emperor under whose watch Rome lost great slabs of Spain, Gaul and North Africa. His sister Honoria asked Attila the Hun to marry her, Pope Leo persuaded Attila not to invade Rome, and he was Aetius’ bitch for a long time. Stupidly killed Aetius himself and was later assassinated in turn. Decent later era bad emperor.

Ability * Legend ***

75) Marcian – the One Played by Jeff Chandler. 

The film was “Sign of the Pagan” with Jack Palance as Attila the Hun. He was actually a decent Emperor, working his way up through the ranks then getting the top gig via marriage and did a lot to help stabilise the East. Stood up to the Huns.

Ability ***1/2 Legend ***

76) Petronis Maximus – The One Who Claimed His Wife was Raped. 

Encouraged Valentian to murder Aetius then claimed the Emperor raped his wife. So killed the emperor and became top dog. Those who lived by the sword... he was stoned to death.

Ability *1/2 Legend **1/2

77) Avitus - The One who was a Bishop

Came from a Gaul powerbase, which didn't help him at a time he needed all the help he could get. Was deposed by Ricimer who originally allowed him to return to being a bishop but may have been killed afterwards.

Ability *1/2 Legend **

78) Majorian – The Last One Who Tried to Take it Back. 

Part of the big problem in the Roman Empire towards the end was the fact competent Emperors kept being killed. Marjorian was probably the last one with some hope of reversing all the damage, who had a few victories and ruled for a number of years but was killed by Ricimer, the power behind the throne. The thought he was tortured upsets me; its really unfair.

Ability ***1/2 Legend ***

79) Libius Severus – the One Who Was Ricimer’s Bitch.

A pious, religious puppet. Kind of useless but it wasn't his fault. Not sure what happened to him but I like to think he died naturally.

Ability *1/2 Legend *1/2

80) Anthemius - the Last Decent One

A decent enough Emperor at a time when the was rare - he was robbed off a victory in Africa against the Vandals. Died heroically.

Ability *** Legend **
81) Olybrius - the One who died of Dropsy

Another Ricimer bitch, he did little.

Ability *1/2 Legend *1/2

82) Glycerius - the One who became a Bishop

Put in charge during that chaotic period he apparently (nothing is sure from this time) was allowed to become a bishop, which is nice.

Ability ** Legend *1/2

83) Julius Nepos - the One who was Arguably the Last One

Had some time in charge but the idiot Romans couldn't get their act together and - surprise - was deposed. Went into exile and tried to get his throne back but was killed, maybe by Glycerius although that's not clear.

84) Romulus Augustus – the Last One. 

Thrust into power by his father when a teenager, he soon saw his dad killed. But in a nice twist he was allowed to live and was packed off to exile. Which is sweet.

Ability * Legend ****

For other emperors, see Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

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